Wait Until You See The Schedule from the New AAFP Well-Being Conference

Family Physician Health and Well-Being Conference

Naples Grande Beach Resort in Naples, FL | April 18-21, 2018

Welcome to well-being. Rejuvenate and pay us dearly during a three-and-a-half-day onsite experience, while creating an action plan to help reduce risk or actual causes of physician burnout. A component of the AAFP’s Physician Health First initiative, this one-of-a-kind conference is purposefully designed to address the unique challenges family physicians face.

At this conference, you will:

  1. Come together with other family physicians to realize how shitty the job is.
  2. Hear experts from across the country engage on the subject of well-being, though none of them have ever practiced medicine.
  3. See solutions for improved professional satisfaction and better patient care within a broken system; all of which are unproven and are just a fantasy.

DAY 1 – WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18

7:00 – 8:00 am Optional Morning Group Activities: Crying session, PTSD therapy, and more.
8:00 – 9:00 am Breakfast
9:00 – 9:30 am Welcome and Opening Keynote: Why are WE Here: How the AAFP has Aided Others in Destroying         Physician Well-being
9:30 – 10:00 am A Broken System: How the AAFP Still Capitalizes Financially
10:00 – 10:30 am Coaching: Creating a Thriving Practice Culture with Only a Spoonful of Vaginal Yeast. Wait, what?
10:10 – 11:00 am Break
11:00 am – 12:15 pm Workshop Sessions:

  • Cyanide Capsules
  • Carbon Monoxide Play
  • How to Roll a Joint in 3 minutes or Between Patient Visits
  • Conversations that Connect (via Suicide Hotline)
  • Fiscal Well-being & Debt Management for the New Physician: a.k.a. How to File for Bankruptcy.
  • Quadruple Aim Blueprint Strategy (Caffeine, Ambien, Scotch and Porn)

12:15 – 1:30 pm Lunch
1:30 – 2:45 pm Workshop Sessions:

  • Responding to Suffering: Why Infidelity May Be Your Best Bet
  • Becoming an Administrator: From Being Bullied to Being the Bully
  • Physician Burnout: An Occupational Health Crisis That Makes the AAFP Wealthy

2:45 – 3:15 pm Break

3:15 – 4:20 pm Workshop Sessions:

  • Family Matters And How to Take Care of Them in the 24 Minutes You See Them a Day
  • Building a Team Inside the Exam Room for Primary Care So That You Never See a Patient Again
  • EMR Pearls to Click and Paste Your Way Into Level 4 Heaven

4:30 pm Adjourn
5:00 pm Participant Reception (in the Lobby there is a small table near the fire exit. Tap water is available).
7:00 pm Optional Evening Group Activities: Small group discussions on why DPC is Your Only Chance to Be Happy

DAY 2 – THURSDAY, APRIL 19

7:00 – 8:00 am Optional Morning Group Activities:
Yoga for Providers, Group Run, and more. Because adding more shit to your day is a great way to decrease stress.
8:00 – 9:00 am Breakfast & Roundtable Discussions
9:00 – 9:45 am Opening Plenary: Reducing the Drivers of Burnout in the Clinical Workplace, and Understanding How This Will Never Happen Inside the System
9:45 – 10:15 am Coaching: Learning to Accept Misery
10:15 – 10:45 am Break
10:45 am – 12:00 pm Workshop Sessions:

  • Yoga for the Obese Stress Eater
  • Cultivating a Servant Heart: Productivity Through Embracing Guilt
  • Building a Team Inside the Exam Room: Why Should Doctors Ever See a Patient When There Is Money to be Made?
  • EMR Pearls and Documentation Sanity: Drylab, Drylab, Drylab.
  • Finding Your Voice: Advocating for Yourself, Your Patients, & Others (You know, in your spare time.)

12:00 – 1:15 pm Lunch
1:15 – 2:30 pm Workshop Sessions:

  • Yoga for the Alcoholic Physician: Stretching Helps You Drink Mor
  • The Healer’s Stories: How Naturopathy Helps You Get Rich and -Not Blamed for Killing Patients
  • The Art of Delegation: Again, Don’t Care for Patients, Just Make Money
  • Direct Primary Care: The Token Common Sense Lectureship
  • Maintaining a Healthy Lifestyle on a Physician’s Schedule: Comedy Relief Break

2:30 – 3:00 pm Break
3:00 – 4:15 pm Workshop Sessions:

  • Practical Approach to Walking in Balance
  • The Healer’s Stories: A Touchy-Feely Doc Tells You How Much Worse You Could Have It (“At least you’re not a Hatian Refugee.”)
  • Change Talk: Implementing Motivational Change in Yourself: You’ll be motivated for 12 hours
  • Direct Primary Care (Wait, 2 common sense lectures in an entire weekend conference? No way.)
  • Principle-based Lean Leadership to Prevent Physician Burnout: -Teaching Administrators Reasoning Skills and Other Exercises in Futility
  • Fiscal Well-being & Debt Management for the Physician Mid–Career & Beyond: If You’d Saved Up, You Could Quit Now, Idiot.

4:15 pm Adjourn
7:00 pm

  • Optional Evening Group Activities (The Jonestown Reinactment)
  • Small group discussions – topics TBD, if any attendees can’t drink the Kool-Aid

DAY 3 – FRIDAY, APRIL 20

7:00 – 8:00 am Optional Morning Group Activities:
Yoga for Providers, Group Run, and more. Because Sleep is Not Important in Stress Reduction
8:00 – 9:00 am Breakfast
9:00 – 9:45 am Opening Plenary: Medical Improv: Way Less Funny Than “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?”
9:45 – 10:15 am Coaching: Being a Leader to Help Create a “Well” Team, and by “well” we mean not well, but also not complaining to administrators
10:15 – 10:45 am Break
10:45 am – 12:00 pm Workshop Sessions:

  • Become a More Relaxed, Healthier Physician: Quit and Open a DPC.
  • Cultivating Compassion & Gratitude: If you didn’t already have this, WTF are you doing in Family Medicine
  • Capturing the Joy in Medicine: There is no Joy inside the system, this lectuer is about kidnapping a nurse named Joy
  • Using Strength to Build Your Team & Improve Satisfaction: Again we mean this literally. You must workout to attain the physical strength to beat your team into submission.
  • We All Make Mistakes But only Physicians are Penalized For Them: How To Escape Culpability By Going Into Administration
  • Reducing the Drivers of Burnout in the Clinical Workplace: How To Discretely “Eliminate” Administrators and Guarantee an Airtight Alibi

12:00 – 1:15 pm Lunch
1:15 – 2:30 pm Workshop Sessions:

  • Become a More Relaxed, Healthier Physician: Quit Giving a Shit
  • Beyond Resilience: Watch Scenes From “Rocky” & “The Passion Of The Christ” Which Makes the Beating You Take Daily Seem Tame
  • Finding Faith in Medicine: A Doctor Named Faith Has Gone on a Dissociative Fugue, and we Need Your Help in Finding Her.
  • Physician Leadership Power Tools: How to Use a Hammer Drill To Give Yourself a Frontal Lobotomy
  • Managing Connections for Building Resilient Performance: Ok, We’ll Admit It,This is Really Just an Opportunity for a Nap
  • Reducing the Drivers of Burnout: Telling Medicare and Insurance to Get Bent.

2:30 – 3:00 pm Break
3:00 – 4:15 pm Workshop Sessions:

  • Yoga for the Suicidal Physician (Disclaimer: The Yoga Makes it Worse)
  • The Contemplative Physician: Stop Contemplating Staying in the System.
  • Improve Satisfaction: Tell Your Boss to “Suck It” (Seriously what could possibly be more satisfying at work?)

4:15 pm Adjourn: Go home and Try Not To Kill Yourself OR start a Direct Primary Care practice!

(For those that don’t realize it yet, this is just a parody.  It may be harsh but there are reasons and truth behind the jokes. The AAFP has agreed to, and financially benefited from, everything that has caused our burnout).

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  • Editor’s Note: Thank you Vance Lassey MD (former PJ writer) for your help on this.
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  3 comments for “Wait Until You See The Schedule from the New AAFP Well-Being Conference

  1. Randy
    November 12, 2017 at 8:56 am

    Here’s a link to the actual schedule, which sounds like only somewhat less of a parody than Doug’s version:

    http://www.aafp.org/events/fpwb-conf/schedule.html

    It does include workshops in Primal Play and Kayaking in Rough Waters. They also have a lecture “A Broken System: The AAFP Response”. My guess is that the response is “Hey don’t blame us”.

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  2. Jay Cooperman
    November 12, 2017 at 8:16 am

    You’ve managed to do it again Doug, to make me laugh and feel sick to my stomach at the same time. Well done!

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    • David Grant
      November 15, 2017 at 7:45 pm

      I laughed so hard I had to stop reading at least six times. Brilliant.

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