“Your patient is noncompliant with prescribed medication” reads the notice from the insurance company. Daily, we get these letters and faxes, tattling on our patients.
“No kidding! Tell me something I don’t already know!”, I often mumble.
Other times, the drug in question was stopped months ago.
More unhelpful paperwork! What do you with this nonsense?
Sometimes, I have fun.
When the patients come in, I tell them in a slightly menacing tone, “Your insurance is unhappy you are not following physician orders. I hope they don’t do anything like increase your rates” as I ominously hand them a copy of the notice.
Many patients are instantly infuriated, screaming tirades against their insurance companies and President Obama. The fireworks can be quite entertaining.
Lately, I decided to take a more aggressive approach and send a thank you notification to the insurance company:
Dear Pharmacy Benefits Citizen Control:
Thank you for your recent notification about possible patient noncompliance with pharmacy medication.
Please rest assured this Internal Medicine practice takes patient noncompliance seriously. We are immediately investigating this horrific breach and will aggressively question the patient. If necessary, we will utilize all currently approved government enhanced interrogation techniques to extract the appropriate information and ensure future compliance.
Other practices may not have the stomach or courage to use the necessary level of force. Rest assured, however, we are ready, willing, and anxious to confront this violation with all means necessary.
Patient noncompliance violates the efficient administration of healthcare and damages the system as a whole. Once ingrained into the healthcare of the United States, it acts like a terrorist force, spreading destruction throughout this country.
This medical practice will not tolerate seditious patient medication noncompliance and immediately refers guilty patients for maximal punishment so they may feel the full weight of the law.
We look forward to your future reports about noncompliant perpetrators! If these wretched souls are allowed to spread their poison unchecked, it is just a matter of time before the terrorists control us all.
You are a Great American Company and we are proud to serve with you!
An American Physician Patriot