All I Got From Santa Was Narcan by Pat Conrad MD

Staggering Drunken Santa

T’was the night before audits, and all through the cabin,

I wondered what data Big Insurance would be nabbin’.

 It was hidden way up in the holler, and freed, 

From them pryin’ choppers all searching for weed.

 My patients had come to me, for relief and for care,

But write them more opioids I surely would not dare.

Uncle Sam had (again) declared an ‘OPIOID CRISIS!,”

And was talking ‘bout doctors like we killed more than ISIS.

True to form Cigna cranked up their corporate brain, 

And promised their stockholders they would make it rain.

A Dr. Boxer had an algorithm, as chief of information,

The better for patients’ narcotics to ration,

Dr. Boxer bragged about artificial intelligence,

To be used in place of their doctors’ experience,

(And so Cigna providers won’t have to use common sense)

“We’ll be the preferred partner,” Boxer proclaimed, “if we’re doing work in the opioid space,”

“At over-prescribing we’ll take our aim,”

“And gather ‘16 datasets’ on every case,”

A little aside, and we’ll try to be brief,

Cigna’s “One Guide” program is the latest cyber-thief,

Of claims, procedures, and data biometric, 

To catalog each client, and make their physicians more hectic.

Now two years ago, Cigna promised to cut by a quarter,

All the dope they were peddling, and that’s just a starter.

Away with hydrocodone, and out with the Oxy-,

You docs who complain have some kinda moxie,

Cigna is building a model predictive,

That may – just a little – feel sorta vindictive,

“We TOLD you to hand out those pain meds, 

And Uncle Sam backed us,

So big deal, we changed our minds –

Now why all the big fuss?”

“We’ll identify the patients taking too many, 

And you, The Doc, can look like the nanny,

We’ll show them some outreach, we’ll go to their homes,

We’ll know every ER and office they roam,

“’Analyze claims data’ will be a requirement,

For every doctor not looking to take early retirement.

Cigna loves every patient, and just so you’ll know it, 

We’ve identified the doctors we think who could blow it,

‘2,600 prescribers of high-dosage’ medications,

Will know we have all of their information,

And will use it to keep you all happy and healthy,

And certainly keep us, at Cigna, all happy, and wealthy.

Dr. Boxer is happy, his stocking is full,

Cigna’s merger with Express Scripts is certainly no bull,

The big boys are making some bank on your data,

And little doctors tremble, as they less and less matter.

So diss my poor rhyming, and scoff if you will, 

But only third-parties will dip from the till,

You can play their cog-part, be part of the machine, 

But if being honest, on that you are keen,

Yes, you’ll still have to fear the DEA threats, 

And nowhere do I support iatrogenic addiction,

But DPC is the last compassionate bet,

And Big Insurance caring is an expensive fiction.

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Douglas Farrago MD

Douglas Farrago MD is a full-time practicing family doc in Forest, Va. He started Forest Direct Primary Care where he takes no insurance and bills patients a monthly fee. He is board certified in the specialty of Family Practice. He is the inventor of a product called the Knee Saver which is currently in the Baseball Hall of Fame. The Knee Saver and its knock-offs are worn by many major league baseball catchers. He is also the inventor of the CryoHelmet used by athletes for head injuries as well as migraine sufferers. Dr. Farrago is the author of four books, two of which are the top two most popular DPC books. From 2001 – 2011, Dr. Farrago was the editor and creator of the Placebo Journal which ran for 10 full years. Described as the Mad Magazine for doctors, he and the Placebo Journal were featured in the Washington Post, US News and World Report, the AP, and the NY Times. Dr. Farrago is also the editor of the blog Authentic Medicine which was born out of concern about where the direction of healthcare is heading and the belief that the wrong people are in charge. This blog has been going daily for more than 15 years Article about Dr. Farrago in Doximity Email Dr. Farrago – [email protected] 

  1 comment for “All I Got From Santa Was Narcan by Pat Conrad MD

  1. PW
    December 19, 2018 at 9:02 am

    Right on Brother!!!

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