Northwell Health doctors Help Solve Patient’s Vaping-related Illness

This story, a press release really, contains two of my pet peeves, a self-aggrandizing medical conglomerate, and the myth that marijuana is an accepted medicine. Northwell Health, one of the major hospital networks in the greater NYC area, held a press conference to advertise their treatment of a patient for Vape Lung and advocate against vaping, but didn’t mention that marijuana is not really an accepted medical treatment.

“A self-described “health nut” is lucky to be alive after Northwell Health pulmonologists identified the culprit behind a devastating lung illness that left him hospitalized and near death.

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“A THC vaping pen that Jonathan Doneson used to calm his nerves following the stress of starting a new business was actually killing him…

 “No one could figure out why the antibiotics weren’t working,” said Mr. Doneson. “When Dr. Makaryus asked me about my smoking or drinking habits, I told him that I had started using a THC vaping pen about a month earlier. My wife and I had just started a new business, and I thought it would be good to help control my stress.”

“I’m thinking of these THC vaping pens as chronic suicide,” said Mr. Doneson. “These things are not safe … they are killing people. If you are using them, throw them away immediately. If your kids are using them, just throw them away. They are dangerous.”

The message about the dangers of vaping is useful, but they could have added an explanation like the Cleveland Clinic’s that marijuana is not medicine.

I wondered how the press release would have read if the patient became sick from smoking crack cocaine instead.

“A self-described “health nut” is lucky to be alive after Big Med’s providers identified the culprit behind a devastating lung illness that left him hospitalized and near death.

“A crack pipe that Ayam Gullible used to boost his energy to help him start a new business was actually killing him…

 “No one could figure out why the antibiotics weren’t working,” said Mr. Gullible. “I told the doctor that I started hitting the crack pipe about a month earlier. My wife and I had just started a new business, and I thought it would be good to boost my energy.”

“After all, Sigmund Freud said cocaine would cure opium addiction, neurasthenia, and melancholia. That’s a good enough recommendation for me, but I’m thinking these crack pipes are chronic suicide. Who could have predicted that burning toxic chemicals and breathing them deep in my lungs would be a problem?” said Mr. Gullible. 

From now on, Mr. Gullible will follow Big Med’s new advice. “We’ve acquired a patent from a pharmacist named Pemberton so our patients can use their medical cocaine by drinking a carbonated elixir.”

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