You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’

Turn the lights down low, screw the cap off the bottle of red, and put on some Barry White…yeaaahh… smooth…

Or does that make you a potential killer?  Some junior writer or incredibly subtle satirist addressed the concerns of an increasingly moronic public appetite, answering the burning question “Is it safe to have sex during the coronavirus pandemic?”  Dear merciful heavens, are we really that stupid? (Don’t answer that – this headline is perhaps even more idiotic.)

It isn’t enough that families who live in the same home are being arrested for being visibly near one another outdoors.

Now social distancing means, ““Start talking on the phone, have video chats, sext or have phone sex if that’s your thing,” wrote OB/GYN Dr. Jen Gunter for the New York Times.  The New York City Health Department is recommending solo flight, stating, ““You are your safest sex partner.”  

The author informs us that “The virus is mainly spread through touch or respiratory droplets, which means kissing can easily transmit the virus,” while public health academician Dr. Carlos Rodriguez-Dia assures, “There is no evidence that the COVID-19 can be transmitted via either vaginal or anal intercourse.” 

This is going to lead to a lot of unusually uncomfortable interactions, dating failures, and increases in the sales of alcohol and video games.  

The upside is that anyone trying to meet these contortions is unlikely to reproduce for some time.

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Pat Conrad MD

Pat Conrad is a full-time rural ER doc on the Florida Gulf Coast. After serving as a carrier naval flight officer, he graduated from the University of Florida College of Medicine, and the Tallahassee Family Medicine residency program. His commentary has appeared in Medical Economics and at . Conrad’s work stresses individual freedom and autonomy as the crucial foundation for medical excellence, is wary of all collective solutions, and recognizes that the vast majority of poisonous snakebites are concurrent with alcohol consumption.

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3 Responses

  1. arf says:

    Poking around the Net coronavirus related subjects, I came across a photo of Gerald Ford getting a flu shot. This was 1976, the year Ford was warned the next 1918 flu epidemic was coming. And I’ve heard it year after year since then. They rolled out a flu vaccine, and a bunch of Guillain-Barre cases followed. Cause and effect is controversial as I recall. I remember this picture, but it was before I entered medical school.

    Is it just me, or is the doc in the picture trying his best to bag Gerry Ford’s radial nerve.

  2. Sir Lance-a-lot says:

    This advice and information is not intended for mature adults (ie: “old people”).
    If you’re married and have kids, you’re looking for the virus that will *make* you have sex, not worried about the virus that will prevent it.

    This is for the “younger generation” for whom being “non-monogamous,” “monogamish” or “poly” are all normal variations.
    The point is that, for the duration of this pandemic, you can’t “date.”
    If you’re a young single person (or, let’s say, part of a “triad” or a “thruple”), you can’t just send out a “booty text,” go over to Dana’s apartment, wave to the roommates, disappear into the bedrom, and go at it. You can’t fire up Tinder or Grindr, find someone nearby, and “hook up.” Because, like, that can spread the ‘Rona.

    Tinder, Grindr, and all this stuff is normal day-to-day life for a lot of the “kids,” and they do this all the time, and they are having a very hard time wrapping their app-soaked brains around the fact that in addition to staying home and not going out to the bar, they can’t just ring up a stranger to screw, or even a “friend with benefits.”

  3. Martha Clark, RN says:

    The social distancing police are getting out of hand.

    I saw a video this morning of some young men relaxing in a park after a bike ride. A loud-mouthed nurse comes after them screaming about what assholes they are for resting in the park (less than 10 of them, by the way!). Basically telling them, “If have to be miserable, you do too!”.

    Sickening stuff. I’m a triage RN and spend all day, every day, following up on COVID-19 positive patients. I’m certainly not going out approaching strangers, screaming at them for enjoying some time outdoors.

    When will this madness end? Come on summertime!

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