As Stupid As It Looks

Is there no end to this lunacy?  I thought we dealt with this some weeks ago, but noooo, there are still those out there waiting to see whether enough moronic suggestions transmitted into rational brains can coalesce into a focused beam and make them explode. 

And can there be no ending to the devastation wrought by Harvard University?  When that corrupt idiot-factory isn’t busy selling its parent civilization to the Red Chinese, it’s wasting money coming up with research like this:  “hooking up carries some risk for transmitting COVID-19 from one partner to the other and recommends — among other practices — wearing a face mask while doin’ it.”

“Researchers recommend wearing a mask for the riskiest sexual scenario: sex with people other than those with whom one is quarantined.”  If you want to get busy with someone who wants to stay masked…let’s just say you might want to reevaluate your relative risk profile.

Did these jerks not watch “Basic Instinct”?  Sex with anyone is risky, riskier still if it’s a crazed sociopath you met over cocktails.  And as any divorce attorney can tell you, stewed rabbit ain’t the worst possible outcome. 

“The safest approach to sexual activity, according to the researchers, is not having any. Abstinence, they say, is ‘low risk for infection, though not feasible for many.’”  So the legions of couch-riding, Mountain Dew-swilling, video gladiators are the lowest risk visitors when they open the nursing homes back up, although they won’t have any salacious tales to hide from granny over Sunday dinner.

There you have it.  As if the recent tribulations of unemployment, cabin fever, toilet paper shortages, social distancing, riots, and Burger King’s new meatless hamburger haven’t been quite enough, now if someone wants to snap a bean and is lucky enough to find a willing partner, here come the health nags to advise mask wearing in the throes. 

From the Annals Of Internal Medicine:  “For some patients, complete abstinence from in-person sexual activity is not an achievable goal. In these situations, having sex with persons with whom they are self-quarantining is the safest approach.”  Am I the only one laughing at that verbiage?  Is the author that comedically brilliant, or just that obtuse? 

“During all conversations, HCPs should express a nonjudgmental stance to encourage comfortable discussion and minimize shame.”  Oh, I have got a truckload of judgment for anyone who thinks that wearing a mask during sex is any sort of viral risk-reduction, or that anyone at that point cares. 

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Pat Conrad MD

Pat Conrad is a full-time rural ER doc on the Florida Gulf Coast. After serving as a carrier naval flight officer, he graduated from the University of Florida College of Medicine, and the Tallahassee Family Medicine residency program. His commentary has appeared in Medical Economics and at . Conrad’s work stresses individual freedom and autonomy as the crucial foundation for medical excellence, is wary of all collective solutions, and recognizes that the vast majority of poisonous snakebites are concurrent with alcohol consumption. 

  8 comments for “As Stupid As It Looks

  1. Kimberly Chapman
    June 16, 2020 at 6:59 pm

    I think stewed rabbit was in Fatal Attraction. It’s still a lesson in caution.

  2. Natalie Newman, MD
    June 10, 2020 at 7:09 pm

    Hilarious! “Snap a bean…”?

  3. Rick
    June 6, 2020 at 6:18 pm

    Pat, I am in your debt. “Snap a bean” has been added to my vocabulary.
    It’s a good one, bro!

    • Pat
      June 6, 2020 at 7:41 pm

      You’re welcome! A great phrase left over from decades passed.

  4. LJDOutlier
    June 6, 2020 at 4:19 pm

    Clearly time for a multi-center randomized deaf dumb and blinded study of relative risk amongst the options of chastity, fornication with strangers and left-handed masturbation. Having a little difficulty with funding right now…

  5. Sir Lance-a-lot
    June 6, 2020 at 12:36 pm

    I dunno.

    Seems to me like the mask could be an excellent, and more socially accepted, replacement for the brown paper bag (and save a certain number of early-morning gnawed-off limbs).

    Plus, if worn in the bar, or in Tinder photos, it could become a great equalizer for the congenitally homely.

    • Kurt
      June 11, 2020 at 12:07 pm

      I was saying to friends and associates that masks saved us from having to look at ugly people all day long

  6. PW
    June 6, 2020 at 11:45 am

    Well there’s always the body condom.

Comments are closed.