EVERYBODY’S DOIN’ THE HUMPTY HUMP…
The healthcare pot is bubbling over with riches. For everybody. Everyone’s got their hand, foot and mouth in it, trying to get their piece of that financial pie. An entirely new concept of hand-foot-mouth disease. Who knew decades ago that private equity(PE), also known as “The Cartel”, would happen upon the previously undiscovered pot of gold referred to as “healthcare”? Or that they would find traitorous ho’s within to expedite their unwanted entrance into our House of Medicine? That, ladies and gentlemen, is where the humping began. PE humped on the backs of the pimp contract medical groups(CMGs) who then humped the sellout physicians(ho’s) who gleefully sold their souls(and a**es) to assist these pimps by acting as faux owners of paper businesses to avoid violating corporate practice of medicine laws, while simultaneously transforming our medical domain into a Whorehouse of Medicine. Yeah, now everybody is f***ing everybody…while the patients get raped.
However, it did not stop there…Somewhere on a remote island located in a nursing province, some slimy ho’ishnish was a’brewin’. Nurses arrogantly determined, at some arbitrary point in time, that they could do what physicians do because they had been nurse practitioners(NPs) long enough and thus deserved the same pay as doctors, dammit. They ran with that preposterous presumption, which successfully led to a phenomenon called Full Practice Authority(FPA), also known as practicing medicine without a medical license. Instead of going down the arduous, exhausting path of pursuing an actual medical education, they doggedly(pun intended) pursued legislators in order to consummate(pun also intended) their goal. The legislators, ripe and ready for the humping, obliged. Nurse practitioners managed to successfully hump their way through 27 states and achieve FPA. That’s an awful lot of humpin,’ folks.
With all this humping going on, physician assistants(PAs) felt left out in the cold. They didn’t appreciate the forced celibacy and wanted some lovin’ too. Hence, they announced their intent to join the fray by also humping their way over to legislators to obtain Optimal Team Practice(OTP), also known as practicing medicine without a medical license. Although not quite as accomplished at ho’in’ and humpin’ as the NPs, they nevertheless succeeded in securing OTP in four states.
Nurse practitioner degree mills, determined to get in on the action, decided to do a little humping of their own. They persuaded gullible, unsuspecting and/or lazy-ass NPs, seeking a way to play doctor without actually putting in the work, to pay them to acquire a non-education education. They whispered some sweet nothing bulls**t in their ears about how they can become “doctors”, online no less…and the rest is history. In other words, these online NP grads PAID to get screwed by the degree mills. Now that is some skillful bamboozling.
As is wont when one engages in lots of humping, one wants more. It becomes an addiction. Especially when it is connected to dollars and sins(https://authenticmedicine.com/2021/12/dollars-and-sins/).
Private equity, being fully addicted to abject greed and excessively horny, began eyeing the NPs and PAs like dogs in heat. They were tired of paying for physicians, those ho’s were too expensive. They wanted bargain basement ho’s so they could keep more money in the pockets of their shareholders. They told the pimp CMGs, who they owned hook, line and sinker, to bring in the cheap tramps and get rid of the high-end ho’s who were not only expensive, but had too much power which enabled them to resist the Cartel’s sloppy advances. Hell, humping is humping, doesn’t matter who it’s with. If you can’t be with the one you “love” because the cost is too high, then s**t, love the one you’re with. But, what’s love got to do with it? Not a damn thing, because it’s all about the Benjamins. The non-physician practitioners(NPPs) were ready and willing to be humped if it meant they could replace the high-end ho’s. Under the mistaken idea that they were favored and valued by the Cartel, they presumed they would be rewarded handsomely in compensation for their loyalty and proficient humping. They had no idea that they were simply viewed as non-exceptional, pliant trollops whose only value was that they were powerless…and willing to be humped. Their job was(and is) to shut up, take the pay offered and do what Daddy tells them to do. Welp, after years of this stanky stank orgy amongst the Cartel, CMGs, NPPs and limp-dick legislators, the NPs at least have attained glory.
50,000 nurse practitioners entered the workforce…in one year. Multiplying like rabbits. That’s what mastering the humpty hump will achieve–the uncontrolled and unregulated proliferation of unqualified, undereducated and untrained NPs into the nation. Unfortunately, abstinence is not an option when there are pimps and ho’s wherever Rosemary goes(https://authenticmedicine.com/2021/08/pimps-and-hos-wherever-rosemary-goes/).
“Still humping the American dream, that vision of the big winner somehow emerging from the last minute predawn chaos of a stale Vegas casino.”–Hunter S. Thompson, Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas
Your accurate description reminded me of a favorite, prescient quote from Ayn Rand:
“Men had been pushed into a pit where, shouting that man is his brother’s keeper, each was devouring his neighbor and was being devoured by his neighbor’s brother, each was proclaiming the righteousness of the unearned and wondering who was stripping the skin off his back, each was devouring himself, while screaming in terror that some unknowable evil was destroying the earth.”
This will be death of our profession. I am happy to have gotten my MD in the 1970’s. I do not understand why anyone would want to go to medical school today.
Bravo!
Your gift for accurately-aimed invective is delightful.
Thank you! Biggest compliment ever! I sincerely appreciate your support.
It is indeed possible to be eloquently vituperative. That it comes so easily is a bit unnerving.🤔
You missed the great Machine, the VA, which grants FPA to PA’s. The number of FPA-PA’s in the USA is in fact massive. The VA is considering bringing veterans who were medics in service through a brief training for certification to be VA providers, opening a new range of income possibilities for former military medics. There is no such thing as a half an avalanche. Keep up the great writing, Natalie. You insist upon dignity and respect for your accomplishments, which was once unquestioned in a formerly civilized society. As lying becomes the expectation in American medicine, trust has vanished from the equation. We live in the moral sea of The White Lie. White Lies Matter.
Like so many on this forum you have little correct. PAs do not have FPA in the VA. I would tell you to look into it a bit more as you throw around your charges of “lying”. As for any medics, talk to the VA, it has nothing to do with my profession. Seriously, ever heard of evidenced based thinking?
“Like so many on this forum you have little correct”. You’re such a douchebag. Go away.
So well said.
The nursing board is going to encourage all the online nurse practitioners. Virtually every nurse under 30 now is completing online school while working almost full-time. No time off to even get that online degree. That leads to a massive nursing shortage, that drives up the salaries of regular nurses.
The latest nurse practitioner I ran into didn’t even know how to read an EKG or evaluate a patient and present a solution. Her response was, I haven’t learned that yet. Essentially the system is paying for her residency, paying her triple what they pay residents. And the knowledge isn’t sinking in either.