Patient Requests in the UK

The Telegraph from the UK did their best Placebo Journal impression by listing bizarre requests asked of family doctors on the other side of the pond.  Some are funny, others have a cultural slant but none really match the stuff we used to put in the magazine. Enjoy it anyway and have a Happy Easter if you are so inclined.

Affairs of the heart:

1. “I’ve just been on holiday with my mistress. I’ve just got back and work want to know where I’ve been. I’d like a sick note to cover me.”
2. “I need some advice as I want to break up with my boyfriend and I don’t know what to say”
3. “Doctor, I have cheated on my partner and now I don’t know who to choose”.
4. “Can you settle a marital dispute? My wife thinks paracetamol is better, I think ibuprofen is. Who’s right?”
5. “Doctor, can you tell my husband to stop buying food that’s near it’s ‘sell by’ date as he’s wasting money.”

Anxious parents:

1. “Doctor, please tell my son to study harder so he can get into Eton.”
2. “My sleepy baby keeps rubbing her eyes.”
3. “What normal 15-year-old boy doesn’t have porn on their computer?! I’ve looked and looked but he really doesn’t! That’s not normal!”
4. “My daughter has a brown rash on her leg.” (felt tip pen ink which was rubbed off with an Alco wipe pad)
5. “My son’s shoes are rubbing him.”

Cosmetic concerns

1. “I have ugly feet.”
2. Do you have something to make my nails stronger & hair shinier before my holiday tomorrow?”
3. “My chin looks too fat in photos on Facebook – I need an operation.”
4. “I’ve bought these fancy anti-ageing face creams. Can you look at the ingredients and tell me which order I should use them in?”
5. “I have grey hairs….I’m nearly 40….have I got a medical condition?”

The most minor of problems

1. “I have sneezed twice in the last hour”.
2. Can you fix my sprained ankle before I go out tonight as I want to wear heels.”
3. “I broke my nail.”
4. “I have had a sore throat since this morning.”
5. I had an insect bite last week and it itched like hell. It’s gone now, but wondered if it will itch if I get another one?”

Everyday life

1. “Doctor – my stomach makes this weird rumbling/gurgling noise whenever I haven’t eaten.”
2. “A bird pooped on me”.
3. “My skin is too soft.”
4. “I get sore feet when I dance in high heels.”
5. My lodger is annoying me because he’s spending too much time in his room.”