Anger and Sorrow

I want to share with you all how I have been feeling the past week and a half. I hope that sharing my experience and the process that I am going through can be helpful to any who has ever felt similarly.

Many of you may have already heard about the July 4th shootings that took place in Highland Park, Il. Highland Park is just about 10 minutes down the highway from my house, and it is a community we are very familiar with, as my 17 year old daughter is a student at the ballet academy located only 1 block from where the shootings took place. In fact, on the day of the shooting I had dropped her off at 8:30 in the morning for her scheduled ballet class. She had asked me to drive her there because she knew the parade would be taking place and parking would be limited. As I pulled up to the building where the studio is located, I remarked on how many people had already set up their chairs and stations to watch the parade. It was a beautiful morning-perfect for the festivities.

After dropping her off I headed to the gym to get my work out in, and shortly after getting home I received a text from my daughter: “There were gun-shots here. Please don’t worry. We are all okay. We have locked all the doors to the studio. Do not come to Highland Park. I will let you know what is going on.” When I first saw this, I didn’t understand. I had not yet seen or heard anything about the shootings, and was utterly confused. I proceeded to go online to find out what had happened. In that moment it didn’t seem real. For the next several hours my daughter continued to send me updates assuring me that she, her classmates, and teacher were all safe. Eventually they were evacuated by police to the local grocery store where parents were then able to pick them up.

Once I arrived in Highland Park and got closer to where the shooting had taken place, I felt like I was in one of those post-apocalyptic movies. There were large police vehicles and tanks scattered in various places. The remnants of people’s belongings were strewn about all over the sidewalks. After going through a few roadblocks (explaining to officers I was there to pick up my daughter), I finally was able to see her beautiful face. And that is when it all really hit me-how incredibly blessed I was to be picking up my daughter, and how the lives of so many others would forever be changed. Processing all of this has been challenging. I can’t even begin to imagine what the injured, their families and friends, and the families and friends of those who died, are feeling.

Those of you who have read my prior posts know that I avidly support and practice mental fitness. This practice, in addition to my faith, allows me to work my way through difficult moments and find opportunities for growth, for learning, and for bringing something better into the world. Yet, I have to be honest and say that this incident has taken me to a place of great anger and sorrow. I am so angry for what all the innocent families have gone through and will likely continue to go through for years to come. I am so angry at the fact that a young man with a known history of mental illness could have access to such destructive weapons. I am so angry that every time my kids step out of our house, I will actively have to work on letting go of the fear that they might be victims to a random shooting. And, I am filled with sorrow for the children of today. I think one of the things that hit me hardest was a comment by my youngest child, my 13 year old daughter, who said, “This is really sad, and it was so scary to know that my sister was there, but this is just part of what happens now. There are shootings all the time. We’ve grown up with this, mom.” I am at a loss for words. I am grieving the innocence of our children and the loss of their childhoods.

I will continue to go through the process of grieving. I will continue to practice mental fitness to grow my mental “muscles” so that I can recover from negative loops of thought more quickly. I will continue to strengthen my faith in a power much bigger than us. And, I will find an opportunity for good.