Ridiculous Study of the Week


The journal Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research concludes that teens and young adults with strong verbal skills are also more likely to drink alcohol compared to other adolescents.  After gathering data on the verbal skills of a group of twins when they were children, teens and young adults, they discovered that higher levels of language development were more likely to engage in frequent drinking and to also have friends who drank.   The good news is that they are not necessarily more likely to abuse alcohol.  So, in essence, who gives a shit?  Exactly.   Basically, these idiots discovered that if you have better verbal skills then you can talk your way into fooling the cashier about your ID at the local convenience story.  Or you were able to convince your big brother to buy it for you.   Been there.  Done that.


Fogell: Yo guys! Sup?

Seth: Fogell, where have you been, man? You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you pussy out or what?

Fogell: No noooo, man. I got it; it is flawless. Check it!

Evan: [examining the fake ID] Hawaii. All right, that’s good. That’s hard to trace, I guess. Wait… you changed your name to… McLovin?

Fogell: Yeah.

Evan: McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?

Fogell: Naw, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.

Seth: And you landed on McLovin…

Fogell: Yeah. It was between that or Muhammed.

Seth: Why the FUCK would it be between THAT or Muhammed? Why don’t you just pick a common name like a normal person?

Fogell: Muhammed is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a fucking book for once.

Evan: Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named Muhammed?

Fogell: Have YOU actually ever met anyone named McLovin?

Seth: No, that’s why you picked a dumb fucking name!

Fogell: Fuck you.

Seth: Gimme that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn’t even have a first name, it just says “McLovin”!

Evan: What? One name? ONE NAME? Who are you? Seal?

Seth: Fogell, this ID says that you’re 25 years old. Why wouldn’t you just put 21, man?

Fogell: Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face: every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they’re 21. Pssh, how many 21 year olds do you think there are in this town? It’s called fucking strategy, all right?

Evan: Stay calm, okay? Let’s not lose our heads. It’s… it’s a fine ID; it’ll… it’s gonna work. It’s passable, okay? This isn’t terrible. I mean, it’s up to you, Fogell. This guy is either gonna think ‘Here’s another kid with a fake ID’ or ‘Here’s McLovin, a 25 year-old Hawaiian organ donor’. Okay? So what’s it gonna be?

Fogell: [grinning] … I am McLovin!

Seth: No you’re not. No one’s McLovin. McLovin’s never existed because that’s a made up dumb FUCKING FAIRY TALE NAME, YOU FUCK!

Douglas Farrago MD

Douglas Farrago MD is a full-time practicing family doc in Forest, Va. He started Forest Direct Primary Care where he takes no insurance and bills patients a monthly fee. He is board certified in the specialty of Family Practice. He is the inventor of a product called the Knee Saver which is currently in the Baseball Hall of Fame. The Knee Saver and its knock-offs are worn by many major league baseball catchers. He is also the inventor of the CryoHelmet used by athletes for head injuries as well as migraine sufferers. Dr. Farrago is the author of four books, two of which are the top two most popular DPC books. From 2001 – 2011, Dr. Farrago was the editor and creator of the Placebo Journal which ran for 10 full years. Described as the Mad Magazine for doctors, he and the Placebo Journal were featured in the Washington Post, US News and World Report, the AP, and the NY Times. Dr. Farrago is also the editor of the blog Authentic Medicine which was born out of concern about where the direction of healthcare is heading and the belief that the wrong people are in charge. This blog has been going daily for more than 15 years Article about Dr. Farrago in Doximity Email Dr. Farrago – [email protected] 

  6 comments for “Ridiculous Study of the Week

  1. Michael
    September 23, 2013 at 12:33 am

    Life is best enjoyed on as many levels as you can. Refreshing piece.

  2. phil md
    September 20, 2013 at 1:47 am

    Umm Doug? Maybe a contemporary or even funny riff, but it really lowers your level here. Not necessary unless you’re that desperate. Your other stuff is great – this isn’t.

    • Doug Farrago
      September 20, 2013 at 7:16 am

      I am not sure how this lowers my level. I am who I am.

      • Kurt
        September 20, 2013 at 10:51 am

        Hmmmm, for those of us who’ve been exposed to those kind of folks it’s hilarious.
        I remember I couldn’t get a point across to a street person about painful bowel
        movements until I asked, “Does it hurt when you take a s–t?” I used every politically
        correct euphemism and got puzzled looks until asked in the appropriate language familiar
        to this poor soul.

  3. Kurt
    September 19, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    Man Doug, you got that street scat talk down pat. That’s pretty stiff man.

  4. Jeff mack, md
    September 19, 2013 at 9:50 am

    The dialogue is hilarious.

Comments are closed.