Patient Noncompliance
I received another notice from a patient’s Pharmacy Benefits Plan, notifying me of the person not taking their medicine as directed.
This fills me with such rage! Quickly, I respond:
———————————–
Dear Pharmacy Benefits Plan:
Thank you for your recent notification about possible patient noncompliance with pharmacy medication.
Please rest assured this Internal Medicine practice takes patient noncompliance seriously. We are immediately investigating this horrific breach. If necessary, we will utilize all currently approved government enhanced interrogation techniques to extract the appropriate information and ensure future compliance.
Other practices may not have the stomach to take action. Rest assured, however, this practice possesses the appropriate bravery to confront this violation with all means necessary.
Patient noncompliance violates the efficient administration of healthcare and damages the system as a whole. Once ingrained into the healthcare of the United States, it acts like a terrorist force, spreading destruction throughout this country.
This medical practice will not tolerate seditious patient medication noncompliance and immediately refers guilty patients for maximal punishment so they may feel the full weight of their egregious choices.
We look forward to your future reports about noncompliant perpetrators! If these wretched souls are allowed to spread their poison unchecked, it is just a matter of time before the terrorists control us all.
You are a Great American Pharmacy Benefits Company and we are proud to serve with you!
Signed: An American Physician Patriot
Funny response.
Another corporation that has bought into the obvious fallacy that med compliance – along with nutrition, fitness, driving safely, gun locks, steady employment, comfort in safe spaces, etc, et al, ad nauseum – is the physician’s responsibility. It makes it even more fun to not give a damn.
Nice try, but you confused me about whom you are attempting to satirize; useless PBM’s, or overzealous patriots?
Must keep the incentives (bribes) from BIG PHARMA rolling in at any and all costs!!